Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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