I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The power of my boobs compel you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
