guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
