My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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