I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
