I wish I could teleport
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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