I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
