No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Small penises have feelings too.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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