Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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