My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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