Kareoke will never be a sober sport
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
