and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
