I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
