My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
