I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
