Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
