i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
