hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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