I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
