My hand turned me down
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
