I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am available for nakedness
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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