I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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