I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
