Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
