He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
