Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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