I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
