True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
