non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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