Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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