look no pants
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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