At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
