yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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