Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And then he peed in my hair
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