You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
