and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
