I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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