my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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