I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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