she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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