meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
