If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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