Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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