I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
