I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
