So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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