dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
