I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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