i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
