my room smells like sperm. sweet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
