I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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