I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
