Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
