i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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