i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
