my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
