There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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