he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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