I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
